Philemon Week 3 Study Guide: The Challenge of Forgiveness

Community Group Study Guide — Philemon 3: the Challenge of Forgiveness 
Philemon 

Study Information:
Forgiveness and reconciliation can often feel like something that is good in theory but hard to do. We read passages in the Bible around forgiveness and restoration and we see examples of it in our culture that often warm our hearts. However when it comes to the difficult personal situations we live out, forgiveness can seem impossible. Jesus’s teaching on forgiveness and Paul’s letter to Philemon shows us that forgiveness and reconciliation are difficult and costly but never impossible. At the same time, we know that forgiveness does not make someone else immediately trustworthy and that God’s work to change us can be a really slow process. This final study guide will look at some of the difficult questions we ask when it comes to forgiveness and we will look at some examples of what took place with Philemon and Onesimus along the way.

What if the other person does not repent, am I off the hook?
Yup totally off the hook, next question. Just kidding. 
An ideal situation would include repentance and the extending of forgiveness, that seems to be what we see with Onesimus and his return to Philemon. Yet this happens far less often than it should. Luke 17:1-5 is a great place to learn more about this. Jesus first encouraged his disciples to examine themselves likely because that produces humility in us as we face our own sin and need for grace. Next we can confront sin and engage in conflict around areas where we’ve been wronged with grace and a desire to grow. There are many times when people are unaware of the harm they have caused or they’re hoping you will just over look it, healthy confrontation helps us to restore one another in a spirit of gentleness (Gal 6:1). Third, we should look for repentance, but the emphasis on “if they repent” is less on the need of repentance and more on our willingness to forgive quickly without going beyond just the need to repent (see Mark 11:25 for an example of a command to forgive when repentance is not mentioned). Finally, the disciples asked Jesus to increase their faith because this is difficult. Our natural self will not want to forgive and we need God’s grace and intervention to have the strength to forgive others. 

What if I do not feel like forgiving them?
Our human sin nature and how we feel will often go against what is right and part of following Jesus. Often God can use our obedience of faith to shape our feelings as we trust in God to give us the faith to do what is difficult. The main danger we have when we withhold forgiveness is that it can end up owning us and creating bitterness in our hearts towards God and others. Paul warns of this in Ephesians 4:31-32 where he wrote “let all bitterness and wrath and anger… be put away from you… be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.” Our feelings are not always a great indicator of what is right and the warning is that if we persist in unforgiveness we may allow a root of bitterness to grow. Again, we’re invited to depend on God and to trust in him as we release the debt against us and give up a desire for revenge even if we feel like doing the exact opposite. 

Does forgiveness have to lead to reconciliation?
Forgiveness opens the door to restored relationships but not every person is trustworthy or safe and we need wisdom to figure out how to live in harmony with others when there are potential dangers. Romans 12:18 tells us to strive to be at peace with everyone as much as it depends on us. Forgiveness can be done by yourself, reconciliations requires two parties and you may strive to be at peace with the other person but they may not be a safe person or a changed person. With Onesimus and Philemon they had the benefit of Onesimus’s new faith and active repentance and Paul’s admonition to restore him back as a brother. If someone has lied to you, gossiped about you or physically harmed you it is not wise or safe to trust the person at the same level as you did before the actions until you see evidence of change. Forgiveness does not undo past wrongs or prevents future hurt. However, you can be at peace with them without being in a place of harm or unwise vulnerability. Reconciliation for you may look like wishing the other person well and verbally acknowledging your forgiveness of them, but recognizing that they’re a person that is not safe to be around. For other situations it may be that you fully restore relationship. This is definitely an area where we need wisdom and loving Christian community to help guide us.

If I forgive, does that remove the need for justice?
Forgiveness and justice are not mutually exclusive. The cross is the greatest example of this, where God in his mercy extended forgiveness to us through Christ satisfying the justice of God against sin. Roman 3:26 tells us that Christ was both the Just and the Justifier on the cross. Paul’s ask of Philemon was to “not press charges” against Onesimus, which was an extending of grace. Roman culture would demand that Philemon discipline Onesimus for his escape and potential theft. However, there was nothing in God’s law demanding that Philemon discipline Onesimus and what we get is a powerful example of grace being extended. However, there are many situations where we need to pursue forgiveness and justice at the same time. Especially when harms committed against us are legal crimes and there is an ongoing danger for others if justice is not measured out. Things like domestic violence, child abuse and theft warrant a pursuit of justice. 

Likewise God is also a God of justice and through forgiveness we can give up our right to seek vengeance and instead leave that to God. Romans 12:17-21 commands us to not repay evil for evil and instead leave vengeance to God. This overcomes the cycle of returning evil and therefore being overcome by evil ourselves. God is infinitely more wise, just and righteous than we are and knows what is right. So, even if someone escapes legal consequences this side of eternity, we can forgive them and leave them in God’s hands instead of pursuing vengeance. 

Conclusion:
There are many more questions we can ask around forgiveness and reconciliation because of how difficult and complex it can be. Know that forgiveness and reconciliation are difficult and costly but never impossible, keep asking your questions and seek wise counsel from God’s word and the Christian community and trust in God to grant you the grace you need to forgive.


At your community group:

Take 15-20 minutes to share about how God has been at work in your life, prayer concerns and pray for one another.

How did God speak to you through the scripture and the sermon this week? 

Discussion Questions:
Read Philemon

Read Luke 17:1-5. Why did Jesus start with a call to examine ourselves? Are you hesitant to confront sin you see in others? If so, why? How can confrontation be loving and redemptive?
 
What things would you need to see in order to know that it was wise to reconcile with someone who has previously sinned against you? It may be helpful to have a scenario like gossip, lying, etc in mind as you think through his question. 

What is most challenging to you about the idea of leaving vengeance in God’s hands? Why would God want you to not seek revenge yourself?

What are one or two things you’ve learned about forgiveness and reconciliation through this series in Philemon?